Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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