he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
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