I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
