Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
