Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
COCAINE IS GR8
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
