I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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