i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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