a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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