You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
