Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
