the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Randomize
