Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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