1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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