Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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