Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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