My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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