there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
