I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
