The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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