Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
