You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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