tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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