Only a mothe r could love this liver
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
