im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
