Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
