So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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