I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
