well I can't set my house on fire every night
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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