Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
