My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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