I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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