Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
