my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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