have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I think my moral compass just broke
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
