I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
My vagina is very pro this idea
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