God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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