Just fell off a train. Bad.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
