Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
