I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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