tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
