I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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