Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I want a musical about memes.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
