I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
