this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
