as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
