And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I am naked and annoyed.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
