Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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