my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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