Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
