well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
