i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
