Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
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