1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
