My sheets look like a crime scene.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
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